How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?

Through my family. I came into these circles through my grandfather. They were also Freemasons. And my father was also a perpetrator, and a neighbor of ours, a father of a former childhood friend.

Where and in what context did it take place?

So what I know is my girlfriend, so my childhood friend, told me to come to her house. I had to strip naked in her room and appear like that in front of her father. He put out burning cigarettes on my thigh and things like that. Sexual abuse happened with my father, with my neighbor, and also with my grandfather. With my grandfather it was in Netstal, that’s in Glarnerland. I was 4 years old there and I was often homesick. I was often with them during the holidays, because my mother had given birth to my sister and had lost a lot of blood therefore I was much with my grandparents during the holidays. That’s where these things happened. So that’s what I knew afterwards, how should I put it, in everyday life. But afterwards, there were memories of ritual experiences that were split off.

Why did you remain silent?

Because my grandfather said: “You’re a good girl, and good girls don’t tell.” And then he said, “Right, my girl, you understood that.” And I had really understood that, because it would never have occurred to me to tell anyone that. There was also psychia… My father was schizophrenic, and then of course there was family therapy, and there I was supposed to say, why I always turn my head, when my father wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek, or why I don’t sit on his lap, and always struggle like that, and I couldn’t just say that after all. Then they stopped the family therapy, because I never talked, I was always silent. Afterwards, when I was already married and had children, suddenly memories came back up. So I was also in psychotherapy and never became stable in the long term. And in this time, in these many years, it was 10-12 years, then came more and more memories of the “normal” assaults. And then seven years ago, I started a specific trauma therapy. Then memories of ritual experiences came up.

What do these memories look like in concrete terms?

There were about 20-30 girls and 20-30 boys involved. I asked Jesus, where did all these children come from? I didn’t understand where all these children were coming from. And he said, Vietnam. Really, he just … It was just there: Vietnam. Then I googled “Vietnam War”. That was about 1964-1978, somewhere around that time. Then I searched if there were also refugees. Switzerland took in refugees from Vietnam. Probably these were refugee children who had been taken in. And then these boys were lying on a table, and then they cut off their penises. So that means I had to cut them off. First with hand guidance from the perpetrators, the first 3-4, and then I had to do it myself. I didn’t know what they did with the boys later. So they all died. Then there were 20-30 girls on the table. And there were these penises, so these bleeding penises, I had to put them into each girl’s vagina. And in between, I had to lie down on the floor and they put penises in me, so always after each girl, they did it to me, and then I had to do it again. I suppose it was something like a blood transfer ritual, I don’t know exactly.

How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?

I was forced to do it, I had no choice at all. So I remember, how I refused to do a lot of rituals at first, and then I was just punished and beaten. You simply had no choice, you simply had to.

Are there misunderstandings in the public about this topic?

Yes, especially this crap that such memories are instilled by therapists. Of course, there may be individual cases, but not on a large scale. Because these memories just come in everyday life, and there are very many affected people who don’t have therapists, and still have such memories. And that’s why it’s just nonsense to say that they are induced by therapists.

Can you say that the therapy helped you to access your memories?

Yes, I can, because I once had intensive therapy for a week, so every day. And during that week, I slept very badly at night, and then such images came, and I told her about them. Of such black figures. She then asked me if they were in the air or on the ground. And I said on the ground. There she made large eyes. But she didn’t say anything else about it at first. She simply said nothing. But for her, it was clear that there was something behind it. But she had waited until more memories came, until I told more. Then it was just clear.

Have you researched your memories yourself?

Right. I had a memory with sows, because I am from Säuliamt, from Obfelden. There were many rituals in my memories with sows. I had a memory of a certain barn. We then went together to look for it in Obfelden, and we found it. When I stood in there, I felt very strange. I would have loved to run out screaming, but then just endured to stay in there, until the woman finished telling what’s in there now and so on, who owns this barn now.

Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?

With these bad experiences, you split off the brain, and in these memories that then come up, it’s always like my inner parts that are split off at that age want to die. It’s just this helplessness, the powerlessness, and the despair, it’s just very, very bad! And that’s what I also wanted to say, that life is almost unmanageable, because you always feel that you have to die, and you don’t deserve life, and that there’s no future. I had had suicidal thoughts for a long, long time, day and night, for decades, but knew I didn’t want to do that, just didn’t want to do that to my children either, but I just didn’t know how I was going to survive, let alone live a fullfilled life. And then when I went into trauma therapy, after a year of progress, I no longer had suicidal thoughts.