How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
This started with my father, already when I was a baby. It started very early and went on until the age of twelve. It went through the family to East Germany. Then back at home, it became child pornography. There, money was then also transferred to my father. I was sold, and very professional films were made. And this money would go to my father and to these occult circles, where this happened. All in the environment of my hometown, where I grew up. That was in Düsseldorf.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
The most typical thing was the abuse, which was glorified. It was about being worth nothing. It was your own fault that you were chosen. It was pain from electricity, from beatings, from penetration, either oral or anal. It was beatings, it was cold water. It was this glorification of the whole act. You saw these people there in their red cowls and robes, practicing this religiously for the glory of their savior Satan. That was always the usual. Beatings, drugs, electricity, cold, being unwell, being tied up, suggestions, one is not worth it… That was the most typical thing. The things that were added to it: killings and cannibalism. Children were killed and the message was, “If you don’t do it, you’re next!” Then you’ll be chained there and then you’ll have to die. Split-off parts of me agreed to do that, which made me very angry at first when I found that out. But my therapist told me, “Listen, these split-off parts did that to protect you! It was either you or them!” Then my understanding of that changed a little bit. So I began to understand that my split personalities were used to kill children and also to eat them.
Where and in what context did it take place?
The localities where the rituals took place were all very posh and fancy. All marble, like some old portico or something like that. Like these amphitheaters, everything was beautifully prepared. But there was also a lot of blood work. I can remember a big pentagram made of blood that was used in this whole context. As I said, high columns, also stands for spectators. People who stood up there and hummed or sang, conjured things, something like that. So these were the localities. This must also have taken place near Düsseldorf. Present were the “white robes,” that’s what I call them, who made sure that I was subjected to exactly the right amount of pain — not too much and not too little — who gave drugs, who gave suggestions. Present were the people who, I suppose, were part of the ritual, wearing robes or cowls. And then there was a kind of master, who was the most important, who then also carried out most of the rape, who was a kind of medium for other spirit beings or however you want to call it, in order to create a platform for them to be able to abuse the children. These are the people who were there, who were present. I can’t say anything concrete about the audience, only about the people who were directly involved in the ritual.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
Definitely pain. Just the right amount of pain to make you comply. It’s well-placed drugs, I’d say. It’s the suggestion, “If it’s not you, it’s someone else!” And this manipulation, this constant battering and belaboring… It’s such a disgusting back-and-forth between gentle and empathetic, caring about you, and then they turn 180° and hit you and shock you, and work with cold water and with drugs, until you are driven to carry out these things, to carry out killings, to become cannibalistic.
What was your worst experience?
Until now, what I have remembered, not to mention all the abuse, — I don’t feel much of it now except for my neurodermatitis — was actually being made to be a tool, to take the life of a little girl, and then eat her in the end. To this day, that was… That was the worst.
As I said — you may interpret this as you like, whether I was under the influence of drugs or not — but what I know, which interestingly another lady told me later, so she also confirmed this, that when I had to perform the killing of a very cute, golden-blonde girl, five years old or something like that, very young, which to this day weighs extremely heavily on me, was when this being was being invoked, — and there’s an interesting verse in the Bible that says they’re angels of light, glorified beings who see themselves as the most beautiful and the best — and when these robed people started humming or singing a hymn or something like that, that this being came shining down from the ceiling and tried to get into me, but I resisted until a split-off part of me agreed to it, because it was probably, “If I don’t do it, someone else will.” When this being stood in front of me, it was just a black robe to me, a gray-black robe, and when you looked inside, it was like a black hole. It sucked up all light. You just couldn’t see anything, not a silhouette or anything. It was just blackness in a robe. And when I told it like that, this acquaintance of mine said, that’s exactly how she experienced it. It’s probably a protective mechanism, I don’t know, that when these beings are there, you just see this robe, this cloak, and inside everything is just absolutely black, blacker than black, like a black hole. This being then had access to me, and I had to kill the little girl. What I can add is that when it was inside of me, – because they actually can’t lay a hand on their own, they always need a tool, an exoskeleton, that they inhabit – I had some insight the other way around into the mindset, into the essence of this being, and it was so abysmally disgusting. It was as if there were a billion violins playing off-key, plus a sense of hatred and loathing of everything of which we would say that it’s beautiful. Like when you’re in the forest and you see a squirrel, or you see your kids laughing and playing, they have a complete revulsion towards these things, they want to destroy it and take it apart, as if they want to show it and say, “Here look what I can turn this into!” Absolutely disgusting and abhorrent, that’s what I felt then. That was brutal, to feel something like that. But at the same time, it was a feeling of absolute power. It was a feeling of absolute strength, of power, if you will. I felt so energetic, it was insane, it was crazy.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
To those out there who may have also had to deal with it, who may know someone who has had to deal with it: Just be more open, be a little more sensitive. And to the people who are sitting here now and watching this, who may also have experienced this, I can only say: As helpless as you were back then, as exposed as you were… Don’t give up! Don’t throw your life away! Because that would mean you let them win. The best thing that can happen to those who did this to you is if you just throw your life away and save them from having to face people speaking out about it. Just be strong, be more open about it, talk to people who you can trust. And very slowly approach the issue, raise awareness, and as I said: Don’t give up, don’t let them win. You’re not a victim, you’re a survivor. And that’s something that has given me strength, surrounding yourself with people who give you strength, who you can trust, who you can open up to, completely freely, who don’t judge you and give you the strength to not give up. Not giving up is THE tool for me, my fight that I can fight, because the suicidal thoughts are enormous, they’re strong, they’re often present, but I tell myself every time: “I won’t let them win. I’m staying strong, I’m not letting them win, I’m not doing them that favor!” That’s what I want to say to all of you who are sitting out there, who may know someone or who have witnessed this. Just be a little more sensitive and go through the world with more open eyes.