Sarah experienced ritual abuse in California and in Alaska. “They made it so that you were seen as someone who was crazy,” she says. That’s why very few people know anything about her life until today.
How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
Well, I grew up in a family that looks amazing on the outside, but behind closed doors, we had a lot of dark secrets. And many of them… I never remembered anything until I was probably 31 years of age. And even then, I only had the first memory of many that were to come as I grew older. The main perpetrator in my family was my dad. You know, moving through the experience, I began to realize later on as I was getting healthier that my mom had to have been also involved in ritual abuse when she was a child, but she would have never been a perpetrator in this. But at the same time, she was controlled, dissociative as well, probably, and was not really able to protect us, or see the need to protect me. I recovered memories from birth until 18, and then I was reaccessed by my dad one time when he came to visit my husband and I at the age of 32.
Where and in what context did it take place?
So the places where I was abused, I was born in Los Angeles, California, and when we were in the city, it often happened. I remember specifically a three-bedroom, sort of ranch-style home that these rituals would take place in. And then there were times where we were driven out of town, probably someplace northwest of Northridge, where things happened in caves, and that had more of a military feel to it. Those are the places that I recall. And then we moved to Alaska when I was in elementary school, early elementary school. And my dad was targeted and brought into another satanic ritual abuse group. And so when rituals happened in this context in Anchorage, Alaska, it happened in Anchorage, sometimes in homes. And some of my first memories were in much larger groups that were happening in the summertime in secluded, wooded areas where people would drive for hours to get there down dirt roads. And sometimes they were on Indian reservations. And I always had a sense that — later on, as I was processing stuff — I really had this sense that there was a sort of uneasy truce between the coven leaders and the locations they used on reservation. It was a truce, an agreement that their children would never be targeted.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
I think the important thing is to consider what types of rituals. The satanic ritual coven has a calendar of events that they celebrate all throughout the year. And so certain rituals, the main rituals I was a part of, if they were sexual rituals, particularly sexual rituals like the Bride of Satan, for example, then I was the target. I was the one that they were abusing during the ritual itself, and they were sexual in nature. And then always after any kind of ritual, there was kind of a sexual free-for-all, like an orgy, and I had to be used in those situations. Some of the rituals were, when they were sexual in nature, they would only have certain people of the right hierarchy and everybody else had to watch. And then it was also important in a sexual ritual that they were looking to see if you could control yourself, especially the men wouldn’t have an erection until afterwards. And that showed discipline and certain things. Then, of course, after that it was opened to whatever they wanted. The other nature of the rituals is, if you looked at consistency, there was the ritual itself, whichever was required for that particular date in the calendar. And then there was the sexual free-for-all. And if it was a ritual that did not include sexual stuff, then I was sequestered. But if it did, I was the target, and then the big free-for-all. And then there was often cannibalism as well. Not always, but cannibalism. Sometimes forcing us to eat feces or be urinated on. It was very disgusting and frightening. When I think about the people that are a part of this, these are not people that are blue-collar or low on the economic scale. These are people of reputation. They’re people that are educated, they’re judges, they’re lawyers, they’re doctors, they’re morticians, they’re people who work in the hospital, that can do all kinds of medical issues. So they had somebody to cover their back in every single way. It could be a chief of police, for that matter. So what I have found to believe very strongly, that if somebody is… The more decrepit and evil they are, the greater is their representation. They are above reproach to the rest of the community, to the rest of the city and nation. And it’s basically, “Oh, that person would never do that.” You know, and then you’re the one, if you say the truth, they’re thinking to you that, “Oh, you’re just some conspiracy theorist or you’ve watched too many movies in Hollywood and that’s absolutely not true”. And they’re set up for that. They set that up so that you will be looked upon as somebody who’s crazy and needs to be in a mental institution or something like that. And because of that, very few people know my full story. And that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to be here, because I am a confident person and I have received enough healing. And I’ve had some amazing… I was co-conscious through the memories that were coming forward. So I remember them. They’re not fuzzy. And I really want to fight this. It’s horrible.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
This is not hard at all. If you’re a child like me at five or six years old, and you’re at a ritual, and you’re watching another child the same age refuse to be… You know, “Please don’t do that!” And fighting against whatever they want to do, and then that child is killed in front of you. What are you gonna do? That’s a type of brainwashing, right? Survival at all costs. So of course you’re going to comply. Other ways that they make children comply, or young adults, however it works, is, I was often drugged as a teenager. I was often drugged and given drugs that were very, that completely elevated my… So I had no inhibitions and a very strong desire for sex. If I was a child, or other times, I was drugged and I was completely alert, but I couldn’t move any limbs of my body. It was like they wanted me to know. I remember a time where I was put in a coffin at a mortuary. I forget what you call those little buildings that hold the coffins. And I was completely alert, but I couldn’t move.
What was your worst experience?
I’m not sure I could say which one is the worst, but I wanted to share something that maybe not a lot of people are familiar with, and that is the area of the breeders. And being a breeder mama, that’s kind of a term, for some reason, that I had in my head. And this is where a number of my infant memories came back from when I worked with a specialized therapist who really helped me with all of this stuff. As a baby, I was taken to this three-bedroom home, and they had three different rooms. And the adults would continue whatever their planned ritual is gonna be in the living room. And I was taken into one of the rooms and each of these rooms. In two of the rooms was what we call a breeder mama. It was a young girl in her early to mid-teens, old enough to get pregnant. She had never been introduced into our system, so no Social Security, had never been out in regular life. And she was used. Her whole role in life was to have babies for sacrifices. But they were very careful. I don’t think she knew exactly what happened to the babies, but she had this longing to care for babies. And so they were always promised that, you know, “We need your baby, but we will give you other babies that you will be able to nurture and love.” And so, in this scenario, in the third room or somewhere in the household, was an older sort of breeder mama who was overseeing the younger ones. And it was her job to keep them in line and to move them through the process of having babies, nurturing other people’s babies. So my dad brought me to these rituals, and I have several memories of being used by a breeder mama. And what they would do is, my dad would bring me hungry to this ritual. And so I was hungry, and I wanted to eat, and I was starving, and I would be put in a crib along with maybe some other babies that were brought in the different rooms. And then the young breeder mama would come, and she’d start to nurse me, but then she would stimulate me at the same time. And of course, as a baby, you don’t like that. And if you didn’t respond, then you were put back in the crib without food, without a blanket, without a change of diaper, until you get home. And so eventually, when this happened several times in a row as a baby, because you’re so hungry, you eventually succumb to allowing yourself to be stimulated sexually so that you would nurse. And so then this became a pattern for a while until that was established. Something else that was quite interesting is that none of these breeder mamas wore deodorant. And the reason why that’s important is because as a baby, I identified by her scent, by her own personal smell, that she was my breeder mama. Right at the time where this attachment is starting to happen, they would then… To break the attachment process, they would start … The next plan was to bring us into a circle of these three breeder mamas, one of them being the leader, and one of them would nurse, stimulate me. It would start with the one that I was familiar with. Then they would pass me around the circle, and then I would cry, and I wouldn’t want that. And so again, I’d be put in the crib with no food, no change of diaper, no blanket, in a cold room, and just cry. And so eventually, in order to be fed, this process continued as well. And I even could feel that my personal breeder mama felt jealous because this was like her baby. So the dual purpose of this was to break attachment for me as the baby, but also break attachment for these mamas. So they didn’t get attached to any one baby, because they were going to cycle through a whole nother group of them. And they kept it going so that these young girls stayed… Kept lactating and kept building milk, so that they could nurse other babies until it was time for them to get pregnant again, because they needed another baby to sacrifice. When I was in Alaska and I became a breeder mama, it started as soon as my period. And so I was used as a breeder until I was 14. And I remember memories of one in particular where I was pregnant, and I was maybe four months along. People will ask, “How can that be true? I mean, couldn’t people know that you were pregnant?” They didn’t wait till full term, people. And especially a child, they’re not gonna show. They’re not gonna show until maybe after six months. And so they would often take the baby between probably as late as six months, but maybe earlier if they were desperate or they needed a sacrifice. And so in one memory in particular, I was pregnant. In the picture, I was in a military hospital in Alaska outside of Anchorage, and I remember that I was pregnant. And they said, “We need to check you out, see if you’re okay.” There was a medical doctor, and they’re saying, “Oh, no, the baby’s not gonna make it.” And so I was kind of put under, and I couldn’t see what was going on. I was crying. I was asking, “Is the baby gonna be OK?” And they said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, we lost the baby.” And then three or four months later, get this, three or four months later, we’re at this regular secluded wooded area that we went camping to all those years every year. And when I went to a ritual that I was programmed to go to, my dad was not there. But these other people who were more high up said, “Let’s walk up and let’s go to this lookout.” And in this place at the top of the hill where two rivers come together, which is supposed to be a standard place where they meet, I was looking out over and somebody was carrying a baby, and I thought, oh, that’s so nice. And they let me hold the baby as we were walking up, and I thought, oh, this is really cool. And we walked up, and we’re looking out and just looking at the scenery. And the head of the coven, which I didn’t really recognize that at time, because the head of the coven and his wife also intentionally became our “best friends.” So I just saw him as somebody I knew and respected. And he was a lawyer, by the way. Just what I’m talking about, upper class, well educated. And so we were kind of looking out over the cliff, and he said, “Can you see down below? Let’s step a little closer.” And I said, “I’m feeling uncomfortable because I have the baby.” And he says, “I’ll hold the baby for a minute.” So we both stepped forward, and then he dropped the baby and let the baby fall as a sacrifice. And then I realized that that was my baby that they took three months earlier. It’s pretty sad. They used me as a breeder until I was 14. I was in a relationship with another teenage boy, and it was not a healthy relationship, but I thought that I got pregnant because we had been intimate a few times. And so we went to my parents, and my mom said — and I always felt like my mom was more of a target in this, which is kind of interesting, and I understand why now. But she said, “If you want to stay in the family, you’re gonna have to have an abortion.” And I thought, “Well, I don’t want to do that, but I don’t want to have the baby either.” And so I went through with it. But it was interesting. She took me into the hospital, snuck me in the back door. She was a hospital administrator at this point. Snuck me in the back door and took me out to the doctor’s office, and he was very cold-hearted. “Well, you won’t wanna get pregnant again for at least another six months.” “And you’re young and you’re small, so we’re going to stick something in to dilate you, and it won’t be painful.” “And then we’ll bring you back tomorrow to do the procedure.” So I remember going home and being in a lot of pain, and it wasn’t until years later that I realized that they wanted to take that baby. And so they ended up… What happened is he was dilating me in order to take the baby that night in a ritual, which I didn’t remember, of course, at the time. They took the baby, then my mom brought me back the next day through the front door, up in a normal way into the office. I checked in, and then she never even stayed with me. I had this “abortion” — a bogus abortion because they’d already taken the baby. Just to cover their trails.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
I would say, people, wake up. This is real. If you heard me talking, I’m competent. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve walked through this, and I help other people walk through this as well. And this is not a make-believe. This is not “too many movies.” This is not “I read too many Robert Ludlum novels.” This is real. And this happens. And a lot of times when we think about somebody who’s above reproach, and we say to ourselves, “That person could never have done that.” Well, think about all the other people that have come out in the news. You think, “Oh, my gosh, I never thought that about them.” This is the same case here, people. And the thing you need to realize is that we don’t want to believe it. How long did it take for all of us to embrace the idea of sex trafficking? A long time, 20 years probably, before we were willing to realize, OK, this is true. People, this is a type of sex trafficking, but it’s even worse. Well, I can’t say it’s worse. It’s different, but it’s the same idea. And so my plea is that you will listen to this story, that you will listen to the documentaries, that you will see the different dimensions of how competent people are or how messed up they are because they’ve never been able to get through all of this, and that you will have compassion and you will join a fight and come against this.