Natalie (54) experienced ritual abuse from the age of 3 to 52 in various German states, in the Netherlands and in Austria. Her darkest and gloomiest memories concern hunting lodges from where human hunts were organised.
How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
My name is Natalie, I am 54 years old. The first memories came up when I was 48 years old. It was a memory — only, if you will — of a sexual assault when I was about eight years old. The assault took place. I grew up mostly in Kelkheim in the Taunus mountains. The assault was committed by my uncle, who, as it turned out later, was also my father. This assault was out of the ordinary because it was simply a sexual assault. As it turned out later, there was a whole circle of perpetrators and it wasn’t just about pedophilia, but the whole thing had a satanic background. These memories only gradually came to light. I have to say that it was quite overwhelming when these first memories came up, which is also a reason why I still haven’t gone into it so deeply, to actually remember all the details or events, because it’s actually too intense. Because the things I remember are already so violent. You have to process that while you’re kind of living a normal life. So that’s not so easy.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
There are memories where robes were worn, where electric shocks were used, where killings took place or were feigned, I don’t know. So it was actually bloody, and the whole thing had a ritual context. A wide variety of people from different professions were involved. It was and still is strange to me how they all knew each other. They must have belonged to the same cult. I can’t explain it any other way. For example, a memory with a ritual dagger where I was supposed to stab someone with a ritual dagger, and I didn’t, and then my hand was guided. That’s not Christian, so I attribute that to the other side.
Where and in what context did it take place?
Matching events to locations is a bit difficult. I grew up in Kelkheim for most of my childhood. And we — that is, the people who were part of this — often went to a cottage in the Taunus mountains, in the forest, where such things took place. I also know that in Austria we were also out and about in the vicinity of hunting lodges, where things also took place, but I don’t know what happened where. Then we were also out in North Rhine-Westphalia. So the people from my family — family members — and me. In connection with this trip, we also went to the Netherlands, and something also took place there. I have a recollection that at one meeting — there are always certain meetings where people get together — that I got so sick at a previous meeting that I couldn’t go and that they were super mad at me, because somehow something bigger must have been planned. What is a bit difficult for me is that I only have individual memories that pop up. The whole thing must have taken place, as far as I know, between the ages of three and ten. I can’t pinpoint exactly what happened where, because so many of my memories have not yet been brought up. Some of the acts must have taken place in a hunting lodge or in the forest. This memory is extremely dark and gloomy. It has to do with hunting people and sacrificing animals, possibly also people. Although I have a memory where I was apparently reassured that it was only fake. That it was fake blood, that it was a fake sacrifice. Apparently, I quite freaked out, even though I was usually drugged and sedated or something. Or in an altered state of consciousness, or whatever you want to call the state that I was in as a kid. But it must have really scared me. That’s when I was told that it wasn’t real. I shouldn’t make such a fuss.
What was your worst experience?
As strange as that may sound, for me one of the worst things I experienced was when — after so many decades — the memories came up and I actually felt like the eight-year-old child, because that’s how it is for your consciousness, and when I found myself in an environment where I was completely left alone. Either that, or … There were really very few people who I could talk to. I was even portrayed as “out of my mind” and “imagining it”.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
I think that’s people taking the easy way out. They don’t want to have anything to do with it because the subject is just too scary. But for me, it’s kind of a second betrayal when you’re actually left alone with the issue. I know it’s kind of hard to imagine in a world where everything seems so normal, that things like this can just happen. I know that it’s difficult. I’ve questioned it and questioned myself many times. But this whole thing takes place. It’s actually taking place. And it’s very, very important that you don’t leave the people, who have experienced it, alone with it. Because, quite honestly, you only support the perpetrators and you ensure that it keeps going on, and it must finally stop.