How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
Clearly my family. My grandmother was one of the main perpetrators, as I know today. She did some kind of conditioning. But with us, it was definitely a whole family structure. Also the village where I grew up. So we weren’t the only family in it, that belonged to this circle, but there were several families, as I know today. Also because I maintain contact with an affected person with whom I grew up at that time. We had no contact with each other for a long, long time. Today again, and she grew up in the same structures. Both through this contact and through my own memories, I could connect many dots.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
A lot of suffering. So I had to endure a lot of pain, of abuse. So I grew up with it. That was also driven in the direction that I was also extremely oversexualized as a child. I was also taught that — I still know that from everyday memories and also through my friend, who consistently confirmed it, because that was a main part of me as a child. I know that I had to eat human flesh. In the form of rituals. I had to kill animals. Especially my own animals. I had cats, and I had a very, very strong bond and relationship with these animals. And they were then taken away from me. And as I remembered later, during my healing, I had to kill them myself in the ritual. I had to kill babies. I had to watch other children being tortured, but also women who were pregnant, were cut open while still alive and the child was taken out and they were disemboweled.
Where and in what context did it take place?
I don’t remember exact locations in the sense that I don’t know the names of the cities. But I know exactly what kind of premises I was in. I was in churches. In different churches, definitely. As I remember, they were mainly Catholic churches. I was in castles. I was in mansions. I also think I remember being in cemeteries. Sometimes it took place outside. I don’t know if it was somewhere in the forest. They made a bonfire, for example. And it also took place in houses, in villas. In which framework — it just depended, so with wedding rituals, for example, where it’s about forging a connection between the entity and oneself, that took place, for example, on a small scale. I can’t say how many were present, maybe five at the most, but mainly dressed in robes. I mainly remember dark robes, also white ones, but I think my circle, where I specifically was, they had rather dark robes. But there were also larger occasions, probably — because the memory came there — at Easter, which is always celebrated in a very big ritual way, it also took place in castles, where many, many guests were invited. Some were dressed in robes. Some simply looked like they were dressed for an opera ball or a wedding, extremely — they were simply dressed pretty. There were also important ritualized performances. There were theme parties with several guests, there were different rooms, and different things were offered. For example, rooms with just a table with buckles and straps on it, where you were tied down and then they could sort of do with you what they wanted. Like a theme park. I don’t know how to describe it.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
You’re constantly confronted with death, because you know what could happen to you if you don’t comply and you also know exactly, of course, if you show any resistance, what will happen to you. That doesn’t mean that you’ll simply be killed. That would be the easiest. You know that you’re in for a whole lot of pain afterwards. And that’s just one component, because they make it very clear already when you’re a small child. Secondly, because I also have a multiple personality structure, it’s easy for the perpetrators to program you and train you accordingly. What I know about myself is that, for example, in everyday life, I had nothing. I was nothing. I could do nothing. They told to me and showed me again and again, that I’m useless and worthless in this regular world. Different mechanisms were used in everyday life, which look like coincidences but where I know today, that all this, the majority, was very consciously controlled. But in the cult, because at some point the time comes, so it also came for me, when I was being attended to, and I went through some sort of training, how to do killings myself, how to behave, etc. And if you do that well, in the eye of the perpetrator, you receive appreciation and recognition and, yes, everything you need so badly as a child, even if it’s not the nicest recognition and appreciation. Of course, you don’t enjoy it or anything, but at least it’s some kind of recognition. This quickly creates a sort of bondage relationship, because the perpetrators, well… They attend to you, they look after you. They give you at least a hint of what you don’t get from anyone around you, because I wasn’t only treated by my parents in a disparaging and unloving way, but it was my whole environment. Whether it was other people in the village, no matter where I ended up. It was always talked bad about me and they made me feel like, “What does she want here?” I was a complete outsider, and that pushes you even more into the cult, and makes you dependent on these people, and then you also become emotionally dependent and develop something like loyalty, automatically. Because you know that your only value — if you have any value at all — is the things you do for the cult and in the cult. And everything else is worth nothing. And you can’t do anything else except the things that are demanded of you there.
What was your worst experience?
So far, that’s my most extreme memory on all levels. On a physical level and also on an emotional level. I also had a physical flashback. When I was about 14 or 15 years old, I had to give birth to a child within the cult, all by myself. That wasn’t in a castle or something, in my memory, it seemed more like a shack in a basement. But that’s where they also were, about four or five of these cult members. Since they were hooded and wearing their robes, I can’t really make out faces. But I know my father was also there. He didn’t wear anything like that. And they were standing around me and I can’t tell, it could be that the birth was induced. In any case, I had to — I remember I was wearing something white, like a nightgown or a dress. and I had to deliver this child, standing there, all by myself, of course in massive pain. They were standing around me, they were also walking around me. They mumbled something. One thing that I definitely heard was, that I have to deliver this child on my own now, so that I would have a right to keep on living. And then, eventually, after I finally made it, after I gave birth to this child, I don’t know how long it took, in the flashback, I was in pain for almost two hours. But I can’t really say how long it took when it happened. After that, the baby was taken, it was put on some ridge, and the head was cut off. I don’t know what happened to the baby after that. I only know that they — and I don’t know if I also had to eat it — but then they ate my placenta.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
The main reason why I participate here is because there is nothing worse than to know that something like that happened to you and most people simply can’t believe it and you’re labeled by the public, especially by the media, as a nutjob, as a liar, as — I don’t know. I don’t know, it just affects you a lot. It comes on top of everything else, on top of the healing process, which is already difficult, it’s another burden on top of that. Because, even if you’re already certain, you’re always fighting that battle with yourself, whether you can believe yourself. Because that’s also something that the perpetrators put into you from the beginning, that you always doubt yourself. And I think for the world to have a chance to change from the ground up, because that’s absolutely necessary, it’s important that the majority realizes what this system is actually based on and what it’s infused with and that the extent of this is so huge that the mind can barely grasp it, that it’s not just some fringe groups, but that it permeates everything — everything. The whole system that we live in is basically built on this, on these awful, horrible structures that I grew up in.