Laura (63) experienced ritual abuse from the age of 0 to 14 in Bavaria. «I was forced to kill another baby with a gun to my head», she says.
How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
Through my parents. They were active members of the NPD, this Nazi party. That’s how I got in, and the perpetrators mainly came from these circles. They were mainly NPD members. Not exclusively, but that was the case with me.
What are typical experiences you have had as a victim?
It’s difficult, because there are just so many experiences, and I only talk about a few things here. I can remember that I was often given pills, and that the crimes took place in different places, so cellars, barns, some halls. It’s not easy to talk about it, but I remember a ritual murder of a baby that was taken out after six months of pregnancy. It was still attached to the umbilical cord when I was forced to kill the baby with a gun to my head. I don’t wanna go into the details of that murder now. I have all these different stories. On the one hand, there were these perpetrators who were dressed in black robes. On the other hand, there were also perpetrators where my father passed me on, so to speak, he sold me to different men. That was often at the main station. Or that they arranged to meet somewhere else and I had to be there with them. So I have both memories. On the one hand, the ritual abuse, and on the other hand, being sold to strange men as a child. It involved a lot of intense physical violence, torture. I remember needles being stuck into my orifices. Knives. Animals. As a child, I had to kill my cat with a knife. It’s hard. There are so many, because it’s been over 14 years. There are just so, so many memories.
Where and in what context did it take place?
During the day, I lived a completely normal life as a completely normal pupil, very well-behaved in school, and was actually always very inconspicuous. So my whole school career was completely normal. I had like two lives that I had to live side by side. During the day, there was a different part. I have this dissociative identity disorder [DID]. The part of me that was present during the day didn’t know what happened at other times. Later, after school, I had vocational training. I worked in a highly qualified profession, had many management positions, built up various facilities. I knew all that — [but] it [i.e. my memories of the ritual abuse] was all completely gone. It wasn’t in my head. What was always there was that I was depressed from time to time, and then relatively early, if you will, at 25, I started therapy, but that wasn’t an issue at all, only the so-called “completely normal” terrible childhood with physical violence and being neglected and so on. That was in my head. But I remembered the ritual abuse much, much later. It was completely gone.
What was your worst experience?
There are just so many really bad experiences, it’s kind of hard to say. Everything was somehow horrible. But what’s in my head, and I have to say, I can talk about it now, — I couldn’t talk about it for decades — because I’ve been in therapy for decades and have also done DID therapy and confrontation therapy, so I can talk about it now. I wasn’t able to do that before. Although I already had all the memories, I couldn’t talk about it. The worst experience. I can’t remember my exact age, but I think I was about six. It was definitely before I started school. I had to be there when a child my age, or a bit younger, was tortured to death, and I was put in a coffin with the child, and the coffin was nailed shut. And I had to keep quiet. I wasn’t allowed to scream, cry, or resist in any way. Then I would have a chance of getting out of the coffin again. Yes, I just lay there in the coffin. Since then, the entire left side of my body has always been tense, because the other girl was lying on my left side and I made myself very, very small, so that I didn’t touch the girl. I can’t remember how long I was inside the coffin. At some point, it was opened and these perpetrators were standing there, among them my father, who then gave me a very loving hug. And I can remember that as a child, I felt my father was a savior. Of course, now as an adult, I know that without him, I wouldn’t have been there in that situation. He’s not a savior then. But as a child, that’s how you experience it. I was incredibly grateful to him, and I think they also wanted to deepen my connection to him. But was that the most terrible memory? That’s just what comes to mind now. There are just so many very bad memories.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
There was always a massive threat of death, that my life would be taken, that I would never be allowed to talk about it, that was always there. Of course, I was also severely tortured and I was threatened that it would be repeated. Yes, when I was 14, that lasted until I was 14. I now know that both my brother and my sister were victims. And my brother became a perpetrator. There was an incident when I was 14 when I became too dangerous for them. I can’t go into that any further now, it would take longer. In any case, they knew then that I was no longer a good victim. And I was also less important — let’s put it that way — than my brother in the whole scheme of things. And from then on, they left me alone at 14.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
One message is definitely that we victims are believed. I can say for myself that I’ve been very lucky. I’ve been in therapy for many years — decades, actually — and have always been lucky to find people who believed me, also in the trauma center that I went to, and I was able to process a lot as a result. But it’s still a lifelong story. So it never ends. I also have a daughter who is autistic, and she confided in me when she was 14. After I was left alone at 14, I became a mother at 19. And my parents got my daughter into the cult. And then — she doesn’t speak — she confided in me over many years since she was 14. That’s when my own memories also came back to me. For my own safety and that of my daughter, who is also involved in this project here, we wrote everything down very early on, deposited it with a notary, with a lawyer, and also with very trustworthy friends together with the names of the perpetrators and details of the events. So we put it all down in writing. And if anything were to happen to me or my daughter, it would be passed on immediately. Then it would be disclosed immediately with names etc. But what’s important to me is that, yes, I have faith. So I believe. I believe that’s what saved me. I believe in God, which is more like spiritual Christianity. I believe in reincarnation. I’m convinced that all perpetrators will be punished in some way in another life. What’s good about the whole thing: I think I have developed a very good sense of evil. And I can no longer be manipulated, because this brainwashing no longer works on me. I just want to thank all the people who have made this project possible. I think it’s very, very important, especially because there’s such a counter-movement now.