Haze (44) has experienced ritual abuse from 0 to 31 in numerous countries – including Germany, the USA and South Africa. She says that she grew up in a satanic cult family that is proud of its bloodline and its power.
How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
I was raised in a Satanic cult family. I was born to a teenage mom, and she was raised first in Germany, then she was brought to the US and later gave birth to me, gave me to one of her siblings and was sent back to the US. And I was raised then in Germany in a family who was for generations already in the cult. And they are still very proud of being powerful, proud of their generational line, their bloodline. People look at them as very good-situated people, they are judges, lawyers, criminal investigators, customs officers. My grandfather was a psychiatrist. My grandmother taught psychology at a university, so people like that. But I was actually raised in the cult family.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
Well, typical experiences would be, of course, a bunch of sexual abuse, and physical and emotional abuse, and torture. I did participate in snuff films and child pornography. There was sexual abuse where animals were involved, for example. Stuff with blood and urine. But also there was this part of … They called me the Chosen One. And this meant that I’ve been trained and programmed, but trained to be active in the cult, to be active in this kind of family. They told me they need to train my psychic abilities and seeing in the spiritual world. And all this happened through torture or through sexual abuse where blood was involved, through sacrifices and things like that. So this ritualistic abuse was … For example, when I was around five, they told me that if I will do what they want me to do — and at that moment I didn’t know what they want — I can save some of these children there. So there were three other children, and if I would do what they want, I can save a child. And one of them was my sister, but actually was … First they sexually abused me and these other three children. And then I needed to take a knife. They wanted me to take a knife and to hurt one of the children. At the end, it was my grandfather holding my hands and killing this child. And then I had to choose which of the other two children are allowed to stay alive and which are not. In this ritualistic abuse, there was always blood involved. It was always a connection between blood and sex. And I was told and taught that the connection between blood and sex is the most powerful thing, and that I have to learn to practice this in their way, because that’s the only perfect way and I need to be perfect in that to stay the Chosen One and for getting higher in the cult.
Where and in what context did it take place?
Many of these things happened in mansions or castles, for example in Heidelberg, in this castle. But there’s also this mansion villa in the woods around it. The Wewelsburg was pretty much involved, but also family grounds or public grounds, even public grounds. Not only castles, but also public grounds where you would not even believe that things like that could happen there. The perpetrators were, like I said before, members of our family. But, of course, this cult was much bigger. It happened in political buildings, political places, and politicians were involved, like the President, especially when it was about child pornography. Or for example, I remember several children and me involved standing on this [—] there. And there are people like politicians or actors, and they look at you and they choose which one do they want. So I was sent to the UK very often because the Germans and the UK and the British were very much — these cults are actually working pretty much together. I was sent to Ireland. I was in South Africa and the United States. I’ve been in the White House and the President was involved in the White House. It was especially about sexual abuse of children. Not only me, it was always like a party, and there were more children, and they literally chose the one which they would take to abuse them.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
I think a huge part is that they torture you in so horrific ways that they literally are splitting your mind, of course. And they do it with a purpose, and they know exactly what they do. So they know that when they torture you with all this sexual abuse, with cutting into your body and all these things, that they create the idea and the other part, and the other part simply does not know what to do, how to react. So it believes the person, that actually what they want you to do is right. So you believe that everything bad is right, that pain is actually what you are living for. Some parts didn’t know anything else. It’s kind of their normal. They just know, okay, here I am. This is night. I’m in the woods. I’m with the family ground. I know what’s going to happen now, and this is my normal. But it’s also that they are just torturing the children or even your siblings around you, and you are there and they just tell you, “This is because you don’t obey. But if you obey, you can save them.” And they always do these wrong promises. It’s like, “If you obey now, if you do this now, then your sister is not going to die,” or, “I will not touch this baby.” This is how they do it.
What was your worst experience?
I thought a long time about this one, because I can’t say what is my worst experience. I literally can’t say that because I was thinking, okay, I have to think now about what’s worse, that they took my child from me or that I’ve seen how they killed other children, how they killed a baby. I cannot tell you what is worse. Or you know, I had this experience when I was a child, let’s say age seven. And they do this child hunting. So you are in the woods, and people are hunting you, with some other children. They tell you, “If we get you, you are going to be killed.” This is horrible. But I had the same experience when I was a 14-year-old teenager, and I was pregnant at that state. And they just repeated this experience. I’ve seen how they killed babies or, in snuff films, older children, and what they did with the blood, drinking it, or they force you to drink blood. And you always feel everything is your fault because you are not obeying the cult. I’m not obeying the cult. I do it wrong. I’m a failure. Whatever I try, it’s wrong. I can’t win. Whatever I do, I always do it in the wrong way. And they will do what they do. And I cannot help anyone. I can’t help myself. I can’t do nothing. So I cannot choose what was the worst experience. It’s like, even being kind of worshipped to be the Chosen One. Like, they told me all the time, “You are better than others, you are more powerful, you will have more psychic abilities, you will be the most powerful child.” Whatever. But even in this kind of being praised, you always know you can’t win, because I will do a next failure, and it will be horrible for the people around me, for my friends, for myself, so I can’t choose. I’m sorry.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
I chose that I want to have a personal message for survivors and especially for those who are still in the cult. And I want to tell you that there is hope and there is a way out. There are people who do believe you and there are people who are willing to help. And there are safe places, there are safe places to go, there are safe places to share. And it’s not easy. I don’t tell you it’s easy, but the main point is there’s hope and there’s light. And the light shines in every darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome the light. And you are loved.