Ellen (53) experienced ritual abuse Witchita (Kansas, USA), Darmstadt, Hesse. Her first memories only came at the age of 43. Today she talks about her dying states and that she was «brought back» each time.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
There are memories of being choked, but also being held underwater, and I have developed the capacity to go very long without air. I always wondered, where does that come from? And then images just came up, and that was a couple of … So people, it always felt like men, standing around me in rituals where I’m lying down. And one of the more glaring memories was having organs on my … It appeared to me like I’m being given a baby, and it feels like it’s my baby. Or that’s what I was told, and then it was put on my torso. But then I could feel that it was dead, and also actually a killing happened on my body. I could feel the blood running down my body and slowly cooling. These sensations were there, and the memories often came with extreme excitement and emotional involvement. This is often delayed. The emotional comes at a different time than this most extreme physical overexcitement. Sometimes other images would come. Getting choked, with a face in front of me. I used to call it politician-face. I didn’t know where that word came from, but “politician-face” came to me. I couldn’t describe it any other way. But I don’t know this person. I might not recognize them either. There were also memories of electric shocks in a white room, as I called it. A very bright, not warm white, but cold white light. The room is completely empty. Everything is kept plain and white, I’m on a metal base and I see a device and a mirror on the wall. And I would assume now that it was a semi-transparent mirror. And I remember electric shocks connected to that. And when I worked with that therapeutically and by myself, with my methods that I’ve acquired in the meantime, that helped me to integrate that and not be in the flashback loops over and over again, just this last summer, a huge step happened, and I didn’t have these really blatant twitches in my body anymore, that up until then just caught up with me at night and during the day for years. And they changed a lot when I took it seriously that electric shocks were also involved as a method. There were scenes where I remember that there were other children. From my feeling, I was older, but that’s very tricky because often it feels like you’re older than you actually were at the time. And these kids, I would have guessed, were different ages: 3, 5, 4, and they were dressed in white, and they were on my right. And I had a rusty, metal stake in my hand, and I mean in my left hand, although that’s not my main hand, and I felt incredible, indescribable guilt, that I did something to the kids, or I will, or I can’t help them. I don’t see any particular act, but I know I have this metal stake. I can feel it very strongly now, the quality of it, and that it was rusty and quite heavy, and in this therapeutic session where that came up, there is absolutely insane excitement associated with it and it’s very difficult to let that come through. Thank God, I worked a lot in this direction, that I could hold it at all, the intensity. I didn’t see anything else, not even blood, but a great knowledge that something bad had been done. Another thing had to do with a little dog, where I could clearly see — and for that reason, it’s the most emotional memory to bring up. At that time, I didn’t see what happened, so either I was unconscious or affected by drugs. I know there were impressions like caustic or pungent liquids running down my throat. I thought it was something caustic at first, but it could have been strong alcohol. But with this young, small dog, still very small, I know that his belly was spotted black and white, and I see the belly, and puppies always have these bare bellies, something very drastic is connected to that, as I also feel now. But the visual images of the act that may have happened then — that this dog had to be killed, cut, stabbed by me — these I have not yet in memory. I guess those kinds of methods were also used. One thing I remember is that I was watched very, very closely. The impression is that this is also very intrusive, although one would say, that’s not physically bad, but that one or several pairs of eyes stare at me very intensely, and my impression is that they’re totally turned on by this, by everything, every little reaction I have, every little excitement or emotion. And I have learned not to show anything, to have no reaction. And that’s why I was watched all the more closely. And then somehow things become blurry like: Who am I actually? Who is the perpetrator? My feeling is that I am the perpetrator. That’s a very strong impression. And I also have to surrender to that somehow, and it’s my purpose in life. I just had one more thing I wanted to say. Oh, orgies. Right, it was memories of orgies, but somehow they were so normal that I don’t remember them as the worst. I also did so much therapeutic work that it felt like, “Yeah, it’s not bad, I worked through it, so it’s not bad.” And that’s actually almost the worst thing about the whole thing, that this also creates an impression … It’s very hard to put into words, but I — certainly I — have no right to live at all. I still can’t put that into words, but that’s what comes to mind when I think of these orgies. Or that vaginal, anal, oral penetration took place, but often only with the finger, for example, so that it’s not visible as … And in an early memory, where I didn’t think about ritual qualities of violence at all, there was a memory that was very strong of myself pushing a finger into a baby’s vagina, although I really can’t say now, it was so real, I could feel it so clearly on my own finger, that it felt very much like I was a perpetrator. And that’s possible, but it can also be that I was dissociated into the view of a perpetrator. This phenomenon also exists. I also watched a young woman have very sensual sex with a perpetrator. And that was — for some reason — a very difficult memory, which I had difficulty accessing, but which was important, and I can’t say there either … I can’t say in which age group, in which age was I actually? And my feeling was, I was a toddler when these whole ritual things occurred, and then later only in the youth age or child age between nine years old with the father more in things that weren’t in ritual circles, but there were also rapes …
Where and in what context did it take place?
My impressions were often interiors, and dark, and big rooms. Also a lot of darkness, there were also scenes with open fires. One ritual where I was put on some kind of throne or high chair, with very long dresses, big dresses, actually too big, and … It was in a very big room, which could well have been underground. And I have one very clear memory where I was put in a wooden box. And that also felt like it was more underground. Although I also sometimes felt like that could have been outside, kind of immersed in the earth as well. Otherwise, that white room that I’ve already talked about. But because it was bright, it was somehow different from the other impressions. There everything seemed rather dark. And because that feels very much like I was a toddler, I would say that was in the United States. Otherwise, there were rape scenes in Finland that I remember, just remembered this summer. That was outside. But that had nothing to do with the ritual things. From my feeling, it wasn’t those circles and not that ritual quality.
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
That also surprises me until now, how strong this probably biological urge is in children, not just to have to belong, but to have to connect with someone familiar. It’s probably in the category of Stockholm syndrome. That kind of thing. It’s something very biological. I can feel that now. Now I can relate to how strong that is. That plays into the hands of the perpetrators, they can use it that it’s the most important thing for children, and even more important than living itself. So it’s there for survival, but it also felt to me like I’d gladly die for that. I will endure pain just to feel connected to the perpetrators, and I will also side with the perpetrators and be loyal or do what they want. And that may also be a program. It could be, that it goes beyond this biological urge that we have as mammals. And the methods are such that very quickly the nervous system gets into a state, that this normal fight-and-flight movement, which children have from an early age, is turned off. So it’s about the electric shocks. My feeling was it was more about training and exactly to achieve such states where this fight-and-flight impulse, where the child would usually scream, that this is simply switched off and is no longer available for further situations. Because this is so central, this feeling, this very close observation. It even seems to me that the perpetrators themselves are not even aware of how much of an influence this actually has, this being closely observed. This point, as if it were magical, the desired point par excellence, which means a great deal to these perpetrators, is the border between life and death. And I had the feeling I also got into a state of dying several times and was always brought back again. And that had such an effect — now, thank God, that seems to be healed to some extent — that I have struggled to be in that state for the last few years. I would also like to actually die, that would be the liberation finally, but I can’t. I am caught exactly in this in-between stage, actually wanting to die, but not being able to. That’s the typical thing about children, they can’t decide for themselves. They are held captive at this point. Also with these drownings and other methods where you explore at which point the child can no longer be brought back. And to interrupt that right before … often, in different situations.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
Something that I always felt I was given as a message through the whole process, also the healing process, and this is also the image that I would like to pass on to others, is, that it’s incredibly rewarding to look into one’s own dark areas, to feel, to put oneself in there, definitely with help. I would also absolutely say with your own body, with the body’s ability to hold intensity, with a focus on the body. I have worked a lot with the therapeutic method SE [“Somatic Experiencing”], it’s my daily companion, also TRE “Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises”. This has given me an incredible amount of strength and holding and containing for these very, very intense things that come through you when you’re dealing with the dark and difficult. Of course, I don’t wish that on anyone, but it’s also an adventure. I don’t want to sugarcoat it at all, it might be a little tricky now. But nothing is worth more, and it simply leads to life, to light, and to a deep gratitude for life. Then to the people who have accompanied me and helped me and carried that personally, which comes with this decision of “I go and look at the dark things”. Now that’s very briefly what I would say about that. I would really say this is the most important peace-building work that we can do. That is important to me. It’s even more important than actionism, although if you feel called to it, that’s also important, but I think energetically and in terms of the effect that it has on life and the world, this courageous step towards oneself, towards the dark and also other qualities, it doesn’t have to be dark, is something incredibly strong, powerful, mighty. In a good way.