How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
In my case, I grew up in a cult family. That is, my cult parents were Satanists, so were my grandparents on both sides, and also certain other people who were in my family. And moreover, I grew up in a neighborhood with a sect. It was called “les adorateurs du soleil” (“the sun worshippers”) and certain people from this sect were also in the cult. And so I was embedded in these cult circles. From this sect, certain teachers were also my teachers, and also the neighbors were partly in this cult.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
I say that I had a day life and a night life. In the daytime, I had a normal life as many other children, teenagers, or adults also have. As a child, I went to school normally, quite normally, and later I also did an apprenticeship, got married, and had a family… But I also had another life, a parallel life, and I was repeatedly taken along as a child, mostly by my cult father, to satanic rituals, which we then celebrated. This was always connected with sexual abuse of me but also of other children, with torture. We were locked up in cages in cellars until it was our turn, depending on the ritual. There were also rituals, where these cultists worshipped Satan and also called spirits and demons. Then they sometimes made sacrifices to their god, whom they called Satan. Sometimes in the form of a child, a baby, or an adult person. That’s when I had my first experience with cannibalism. The first time — from what I remember — I was about nine or ten. Because, as I said, certain neighbors were involved in the cult, and one of the neighbors had brought me in once to a girl who was lying dead in his apartment. I don’t know if he killed her or not. I was called upon to eat meat from this dead girl. So those were experiences… Then, when I got older, I was sold or lent to different circles, I’m not exactly sure how that worked. In any case, I experienced it not only in family or neighborhood circles, but also abroad. I was passed on to various networks with mafia-like structures. I also was abroad. In most cases, I had to serve sexually, and in the course of this, I also met prominent people every now and then. That happened in different countries. People we still see today on television or in politics, that was actually commonplace…
How do the perpetrators get the children to comply?
There was simply no other choice. You have to do what the parents or the perpetrators say. The other choice is death. Either one goes along and one survives or one must die. You don’t see any other solution or choice when you are a child. Then very often drugs were used to make you compliant. I remember sometimes being given a sweet syrup that made me very lethargic and very tired. Sometimes it was also other drugs, so that I didn’t even know where I was being led, and I had no idea how I got from A to B. In many cases, not all, but in many cases. That had also been through drugs that set you up that way. Sometimes you were awake, sometimes only half awake, sometimes you were asleep. They set you up to do exactly what was required for the program on that day. What they also do is, that through this repeated torture and abuse, different split personalities emerge. And some of that just happens spontaneously, because the pain is so intense that it’s like you go out of your body, and create another split personality, which then helps you to survive that situation. The perpetrators know that. And sometimes they program a split personality — they shape it or educate it — whatever you want to call it. That’s the strategy, I would say, which the perpetrators use to make the children compliant. You have to imagine that these split personalities are like twenty people inside of one person, but these people don’t know each other. They have different tasks, different ages, maybe even different cultures, and then you’re simply submissive and that’s just how you get trained.
What was your worst experience?
The worst experience, that’s kind of hard to say… because it’s all completely horrendous. But what I had the most trouble processing was when it comes to emotions or connections with other people. I’d like to share two things: One had to do with a girl. Her name was Gabriela. I don’t know if it’s her real name but it was said that way. I met this girl in the cult. We’ve gotten somewhat close and gave each other comfort. The cult also allowed that. A small connection, a friendship, developed between me and her. Then one day we were hunted in the forest. We were naked, we were hunted, we were shot at. Finally, we were caught by a perpetrator, a gun was put in my hand, and I had to kill Gabriela. It took a long time for her to die. I was tied to a tree and had to watch until she died. That was so terrible because I had these emotions, this connection with Gabriela. They destroy that… I also grew up with siblings in this cult family. And I was supposed to kill one of the sisters. My cult father had ordered it and I obeyed him. My sister was very, very seriously injured, life-threatening. She survived, thank God! But that is also very, very difficult to deal with. And I would say that this is one of my worst experiences.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
Yes, absolutely! I want to call upon people! If someone tells you about such terrible things, you should listen, watch, and take time for these people. Because what they say is true! Even if it sounds almost impossible. These things that we have experienced are sometimes unimaginable, and it is so difficult to talk about it. But we need help! Those affected who are out there and have not yet escaped from these cults really need your help. I would like to call on you: Please, please, listen, stand up, help! To those affected who are still in these terrible situations and maybe don’t know if there’s an exit, if it’s possible to get out, I would like to say: Yes, it’s possible! It is possible to get out. If I made it, you can make it. There is no reason why you can’t make it. I made it with God’s help, I took His help and I made it. And you can do it too! There is help available, there are people who will help you. The power is in you!