How or through whom did you come into contact with ritual abuse?
I was born into a family of lodge members, all of my ancestors on my father’s side. They were all high military officers, nobility, partly German high nobility. For example, my great-grandfather was a very highly decorated military brass under Emperor Wilhelm II. All of his ancestors were also high-ups in the military, government officials, that’s traceable way back. We have a large family tree, we have our own coat of arms. And on his mother’s side, there were very close ties to the U.S. military after World War II.
What are the typical experiences you have had as a victim?
First of all, the supposedly quite normal life. But I always felt somehow like an outsider or somehow different from others. I somehow never belonged in any way. And then there are the completely missing memories of my childhood. My memory starts around the age of twelve, before that there’s nothing at all, it’s a dark hole. There’s no birthday, no Christmas, no first day at school, no friends, no toys, no faces, no names. There’s just a black hole. Then I had my first physical breakdown at 51, then a mental breakdown, couldn’t work anymore. Physical issues couldn’t really be found. I then came to rest a bit at some point, and that’s when the flashbacks started. Really out of the blue, the first time was in 2016. That’s when I was hit by a flashback, and of course, at first I couldn’t believe it. Not at all. I didn’t know where it came from. I probably suppressed it for quite some time. But then these flashbacks came more and more often and more and more violently. And then, of course, came the experience that when you tell people about it, they don’t believe you. People don’t believe you at all. In one of the first flashbacks, it was revealed to me, I could say, that I once confided in my primary school teacher. Then it turned out that she had started a relationship with my father and was also involved in the cult. She then followed us to our new place of residence, about 500km away, so she moved with us, so to speak. During the last few years, I have tried to find this teacher. I can’t find anything about her. It’s as if this woman never existed, not even with the school authorities. However, I do have her legibly signed school report cards. What’s also important, which I realized in the first flashbacks, my paternal grandfather and my maternal step-grandmother were also involved. So both family lines were involved. These flashbacks have gotten worse and worse. It hits me no matter where I am, what I’m doing. One time it actually happened to me in the kitchen while I was chopping onions — I had a flashback. It’s a few seconds, or maybe a fraction of a second. I simply find myself back in this scene that I once experienced. So there in the kitchen, at some point, I found myself on the floor. In the flashbacks, I see very different things. For example, very frightened children in wooden shacks, in cages, locked up in a kind of cellar. Myself also in such a shack, freezing, starving, partly neglected, dirty, partly covered in blood. Some of the children are completely apathetic, others cry and scream in despair, others whimper to themselves. Then I’m present at rapes of other children, boys as well as girls. Different ages, different localities, usually by several men, but there are also women actively involved. And then after some time, there were flashbacks with a ritual background. For example, I saw or found myself in a kind of mass. I can only call it that because that would be the most obvious thing that comes to my mind. I see people in robes with huge hoods, mostly in black. Hoods that cover the whole face, pulled really far over the head. They’re mostly black, sometimes they’re ruby-colored. Then there are murmurs, like prayers, or sometimes like chants. There is almost always a stone altar with dark spots on it. I have also been to ritual sacrifices. For example, a young girl was lying on this altar, maybe 12 or 13 years old. This girl’s heart was torn out and then had to be eaten by those present — that is, the robed people and some children like me. In that flashback, I was about 8 years old.
Where and in what context did it take place?
I can’t say much about it yet. In the flashbacks, I see apartments, houses that I don’t consciously know. In terms of furnishings and style, they range from middle-class to upscale, sometimes even kind of luxurious. There are these kinds of private parties, it’s in a private setting. Parties with lots of adults and lots of children. And then there are these kinds of fairs in very huge locations. It could be churches, it could be vaulted cellars, I can’t really define that yet. For example, in the flashback with these sacrifices that I talked about earlier: The girl that was sacrificed was spaced out. She wasn’t fully aware, she was zoned out. She was still alive, but only whimpering quietly to herself. Even when they cut her belly open and inflicted insane pain on her, she was just whimpering. No screaming, so she must have been anesthetized. I notice programs that are activated by certain triggers or in certain situations, where it’s really like a program that’s running. I don’t know much about the programming itself yet. One thing I only noticed recently is The Wizard of Oz, the movie. I know I’ve never seen that movie, but I still know it inside and out. It sounds completely stupid, but it’s true, so I must have seen it. Then I also noticed something a while ago. I’m anything but an opera fan. My father was a huge opera fan. He knew all the popular operas by heart. I knew the theme of the Prisoners’ Chorus from Nabucco. I had listened to it, it’s quite beautiful. Now I watched a movie some time ago where the entire aria was played — and I could sing along. I have never seen the opera. I have never listened to it completely, as far as I know, in my conscious life. I know it’s quite stupid to explain, but I could sing along with the aria. I knew the words, I knew every note, and I’ve never heard it consciously.
What was your worst experience?
The worst experience is a very, very bad flashback that I can’t speak about yet. I have struggled to write it down, to put it into words. It took me a few days. I can’t speak of it yet, I just can’t do it yet. So you can read it now.
Finally, do you have a personal concern or message?
There’s actually quite a lot. But I want to focus on the most important things. First of all, the term “child pornography” must go away, it absolutely has to disappear. It’s always and without exception a depiction of violence against children. Pornography is something that adults can choose for themselves. Children cannot. It’s always abuse and violence, so this unspeakable expression (child pornography) must go away. Another term must be found, like sexual violence, but not child pornography. There is no such thing. And then a message if someone is affected personally: You, out there, if you are affected yourself, break your silence if you can somehow. And everyone else who’s not involved, please don’t close your eyes and hearts any longer. Believe the people who tell you these things. We are not making it up, why should we? Also, please don’t let us down when we tell you something as friends. Friends are so important for a stable environment. It hurts and retraumatizes us in the worst possible way when the trust that we have so painstakingly built up is withdrawn from us just like that. Thank you.